self manifests in so many different ways at the age of 44. self manifests in so many ways as a woman in recovery. self manifests in so many ways as an acoa. self manifests in so many ways as a mother, a wife (an ex-wife too!!), a sister, a daughter, a friend….you get the point. in Day 12 of Oprah & Deepak’s Meditation Experience self manifests as the healer and the healed. Jayzus!
so when someone continues to push my buttons and activates different selfs by reopening old wounds on purpose one must learn to nurture that activated self. learning to do that one day at a time and one step at a time. sometimes i have to break down my responses literally into steps. baby steps. i have to react to the notion of whether or not i even want to react to something and if so how. it is a lot.
i am discovering that the journey of recovery goes well beyond not taking that first drink. it started with a willingness to not drink due to terrible consequences in 2010. we are now in 2018 and the willingness to not drink is still present but the journey in getting here has been far more revealing. i have not stayed sober continuously during this near decade to say the least! but i have had a willingness the entire time and today it is a willingness far greater than not drinking. it is the desire to live a better life. a quality life. a kind life. a contributing life.
boundaries were not something i knew. i recently read/learned that someone with a large sense of entitlement is the worst when it comes to setting boundaries. i imagine growing up in an alcoholic home has something to do with it as well (wink wink). but as a mama to three kids now, i want to model boundary setting for them. a lot of nurturing different selfs that present is a learning process through parenting my babies. i by no stretch of the imagination been a model parent, but i have loved them each individually and wholly and in the best way i can even when my diseased self is activated. i continue to learn. grateful to be open to teaching.
being aware of triggering or activating certain selfs is a lot of emotional work. frankly its exhausting. but with taking responsibility for one’s own part and the reactions it comes with, the less sensitive it feels the next time the trigger occurs. i never knew in doing this work i was learning to nurture and heal various selfs. all along i was the healer and the healed simultaneously. my aha!! moment as Oprah would put it. thank you day 12! “buttons are just soft spots that ave been touched one too many times, and they symbolize some pain that needs to be acknowledged and healed.” when activated, one must tend to self through attention and care. blaming another is only a distraction and a scapegoat from figuring out why the emotional suffering presents.
“freedom comes when we deal with the pain” triggering the activation. by doing so we begin to disconnect our automatic reaction to the triggering event. its like detachment with love. so dear button pusher in my life, thank you! thank you for teaching me to self-care. thank you for teaching me to love self — all selfs. thank you for giving me reason to continue my journey of recovery from all selfs. change me, bless him!